dealing with my losses

sometime i feel like i have 1 win to 10 losses,

and it's not like losses just brush off easy.
they hurt.
they show you, your weaknesses.

even scarier, losses show others your weaknesses.
your fears.
your pain.

but honestly, i'm done being scared of showing my emotions.

i'm normally a happy person,
but that does not mean i don't have bad days.

so why do people expect me to put on my "happy mask" right after a loss,
a loss that hurt me.
a loss that shaped me.

you can only bottle stuff up for so long before you explode.

thats not healthy.

so forgive me for having a bad day,
or i'm not smiling 24-7,

but i'm just trying to turn this loss into a win.

Fears

I'm scared. 

I'm scared of the dark

I'm scared of growing up

I'm scared of the ocean

I'm scared of big animals

I'm scared of robbers 

I'm scared of the future 

I'm scared of drowning 

I'm scared of not being loved

I get it's probably dumb to fear these things 

but they're real fears.

They're my fears. 

I AM HUMAN

i struggle
i've had my heart broken
i've had my dreams crushed

but this is what makes me human.

i rather struggle and end up a better person,
love and get my heart broken,
and watch my dream shatter,

then go day to day
with my head down,
phone out,
headphones in,
world blocked out,
my body numb, 
my heart numb,
a soulless shell of metal.

so i keep snuggling,
keep loving,
keep dreaming,

and one day, it will all pay off.

i will be powerful.
i will be loved.
i will live my dreams.

im different

i'm different.

i show people the real me.
i don't hide.

i trust god.
i know him.

i love with my whole heart.

i will forgive.

i will comfort.

i will hug.

this is me,
i'm me, 
and i'm okay with that.